Tales of our Lives

[Stanley]

It was a dark and stormy night. Except there were no clouds nor squalls to hinder us. Alone, a man waits for his destiny. His destiny of destruction. However, a single figure slightly hindered his plans.

And by slightly hindered we mean it wasn't important, but hey. This man, in a mediocre mask, with a top, and empty wine glass, stepped forth to oppose me. With a RUSTY TUX, he scoffed, ready to unleash the rose within. Because every rose had its thorn.

And every night has its dawn. And every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Across from him on this tall, plaid, building, was a park. And in this park, was some emo kid who we don't know or understand.

These two had business. Disturbing business. One was ready to spread blood like the petals of a rose. This kid, he was always hindering me. Standing there all smug and evil like, who does he think he is? Bastard.

Us two warriors see, we's from Detroit, and so we ain't 'fraid ta get all up in ya grill. Speaking of which, my grill has thorns. It's my BBQ. I ain't havin' no one jack it.

Both were dark, unfortunate souls. But screw them, let's cut to someone else, and I don't mean the Jonas Brothers. For you see, one of the dark ones had a twin, AND HE HAD A ROPE!--Graciously given by the masked man.

His red hair, cerulean eyes, slender body, and gratuitous fashion sense. He was the good twin, and the most pure maiden of them all.

His true love was none other than Patches, the hero of our story. Well, I think his name is Patches anyway. I don't even know my own name! This boy was special, in more ways than one.

He made great friends with a statue, and some weird due glued naked to another statue. Also a goat was stalking him but ignore that. Also, Mr. Rose was consulting a saleswoman with his lackey, Stanky.

One might not expect it, but great things will unfold here, in this void of a town. A modern flooring populace, we shall dive into the realms of infinity, and view this wondrous, this Tales of Our Lives.

[Stanley]

By the way, some random black dude keeps circling the building. I ignore him though, so we shall instead see what Patches is up to. Or atleast I think that's her name. Forget it.

Patches was in a different park, busy getting rocks thrown at him by doves. And here he was just trying to honestly get clean for once. Stupid birdbaths. However, he was waiting here for another reason.

Wane who was Ryan's' brother was then in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that Ryo and Stanky were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

Straight to the park. Thanks to temporal displacement the two parks became one. For you see, Patches and Wane were great lovers. Ryo(except he's a masked man so I don't know his name) was aiding himself.

"Hello Spider my great and one truly awesome love." said Wane. So Patches's' name is Spider now. Spider jumped up and down like a giddy school girl and slapped Wane alot.

Wane who was made of 13% Carbodian, replied with a wheelbarru because it was his horse. By the way, Ryo was busy observing. Ryan was seduced by his charming mask. i56.tinypic.com/14e5hs9.png

A rose fell between the two lovebirds, and Spider picked it up. "This is a sign of fate!" he said. "Damn, I missed." yelled Ryo. And so he left. But on his way he realized he had nowhere to go. Oh well.

Stanky got down syndrome. His name was Durzo now. Even his birth certificate agreed. Cool. Then a miracle struck. Spider began developing super powers. Lots of stuff happened during a 3 minute transform clip.

Wane drank a coke.

The masked man who was not Ryo but maybe he is smirked at his profit. He owned all vending machines.

Meanwhile the goat had a dramatic zoom in on his face. What will happen next? Who knows? I don't even know. This is the Tales Of Our Lives!

[Ryo]

We here at Tales of Our Lives would like to enrich the lives of our viewers. As such, for your convenience and well being, we will be dishing out life lessons catered to fit with the theme of each chapter.

Chapter 1 - Littering

"Littering is bad kids. It ruins the environment and makes the place worse for all of us. I know I don't want to live surrounded by landfills, so make sure you recycle. Ask your mom or dad about proper disposal for your waste. Tales of our Lives says!"

Ryan's Amendment:
Ask your mom or dad about proper disposal dispoisal for your waste race.

[Stanley]

And so Spider threw a pellow at Wane, because with great power comes great insanity. No one knew why he had just done that though. Then that pillow got erased from existence. Spider, thinking he was godlike, decided to screw everyone over! He put all the wheels of their cars on the wrong side!

"I have become a master of science!" Spider declared. The masked man simply laughed. He knew what he did not know because he knew it. Meanwhile in the secret orphanage of Whales, Ryan was plotting something eVil! With a capital V! His was plotting to take over the town, with a magical train he had heard about.

On that train was a gorl named Ita. Ita was eternally trapped there as far as I knew, and was always talking to the voices in my head. We seemed happy though, and so, we let ourselves be. "What a wonderful day for science." Ita said. Unfortunetly, the masked man who was still not Ryo but he might be, derailed the train.

The Spirit Train went off course to a place it was not designed to go, and ran Ryan over. Wane was there too, because he had been launched by the pillow you see. A massive wreckage ensued. And seeing this, Spider blamed himself. And in his despair, went to the town bridge, and prepared to throw himself off.

Ryo was crazy and punched table. "You made that up, didn't you?" Ryo asked the person who was not there. "No I did not." And so Ryo gave a speech about how justice prevails, and pushed Spider off the bridge. "Thank you." Spider said, and threw himself farther. To make sire, Ryo put a pencil on the rails. "That will do." the masked Ryo said and left.

The goat meanwhile pulled his cellphone and pressed the L button, and so Jet replied. "YO DAWG WHATCHA WANT" Jet said as he eternally circled the building. "It's time." the goat who had revealed himself as Syphon said. Jet ate a cookie. The goat donned an Indie hat, and rescued Spider.

Meanwhile, Wise was still glued to a statue naked. CP actually kind of liked the attention.* Durzo soon discovered the Life Virus and died of Life. He discovered the Life Virus while dying of life while in the masked man's' lab, and ate a time worm. "You will be punished." the masked man said to Durzo's' corpse.

* Ryan Edit: CP liked the fuck.

Spider woke up. His powers were mostly gone! And Durzo's' corpse* smelled bad. But Durzo was a living corpse while dead. So Spider walked to the edge of town, only to be teleported to the other edge. This was a strange place. What will happened. Next. Find out on the next Tales of our Lives!

* Ryan edit: copse

[Ryo]

Chapter 2 - Vending Machines

Vending machines are useful. They let us buy drinks around town! But there are people who ruin this by being rude in line and not waiting their turn! Some even take up to three minutes looking for change so they can make a purchase! How inconsiderate! It's perfectly alright to attack, harm, and remove them at that point. Get your friends to help out if you ever find somebody like this. And don't forget to bring the proper amount of change and chains for the whipping. There's a lot of change in $100, but that's the price you pay for quality in this town.

[Stanley]

Spider and Masked Ryo with glowing eyes find themselves in the city train wreck and saw damage everywhere. "It's everywhere!" glowed the Mask. "Dont worry!" said Spider and then Wane climbed out of train but with Ryan's clothes on. Ryo ordered Durzo to attack, and he started to blow buildings. "No! There were people in there!" said Ryo. "Hi Wane!" said me. Then Wane came out. He was covered in bishonen sparkles. "Cut." ordered Ryo and then the Durzo used cut which hurt himself.

Then Wane started to breathe fire at them but Ryo turned pimp which made him immune. Then Durzo came and Ryo said. "There are too many Wanes!" said Ryo. "Why?" asked Durzo, confused. "One Wane is too many for you." replied the guy who might not be Ryo but pretty much is maybe. "And aren't you supposed to be dead?" And then they went away but there were still too many for Durzo.

Then Spider looked up in the sky and saw someone riding on a goat. It was Nick. "LEAVE HER ALONE YOU DAMN YANK" said Syph and he sent out a bunch of pellets and beat up Wane. Then the masked dude stared, consifused. Were they talking about Durzo? Oh well.

"Thank you Nike(sports shoes)" said Spider "No problem" said Nuck. "Why is there a train wreck? Why am I here? Why was Wane attacked? Why can Syph, a goat, fly? How did I get here. *ramble*". Masked Boy was jealous because Nick started going OCD on the city. "Damn stealer of schticks." Suddenly Ryo in the sky. "Attention everyone I have just beat Ryan and now I will take over the world and no one can stop me. Ha. ha. ha." "I can" said Spider and Maskyo laughed. "WHAT, are you expecting Ryan to live too?" Masked Man then threw Ryan's' copse down on the ground. With dramatic flair, of course. "He really can't fly now!"

"He's right!" said Syph but then he spontaneously grew big wings and flew up to Ryo. "What." said Ryo "How did you do that?". "It was a special modify." said Nick having seizure "I guess mods make you convulsive. Neat." said MaskedR and then hit Syphon with a rose. "So you're a circle agent I didn't expect this I will have to retreat. But remember, your future is reflected in my eyes!" said Ryo, eyes glowing, and then he teleported away.

"No fair!" said Nick still convulsing. "How did that happen?" asked Spider "Ryo gave me extra special genetics. " said Syph then turned back to Vectorman. "I am sorry for keeping this secret." "It's okay." said Spider. "But we need to find Ryo we should train for next math. I'll get you Ryo".

MY GOODNESS WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST! WITH NO ONE TO STAND UP TO RYO, HOW WILL OUR HEROES MANAGE? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT TALES OF OUR LIVES... WE HAVE A FLYING GOAT! WAY-HAY!

[Ryo]

Chapter 3 - Math

Barring Spider's terrible misreading this episode, math is a wonderful thing, kids! Thanks to math, we have statistics and averages! Thanks to that, we can estimate that around 56 million people die a year! Did you also know that 12.6% of the population is beneath the poverty line? And with all the war, weaponry, and nuclear threats, we'll all probably be dead within the next decade! And that's assuming we're not all killed by something else that's beyond our control!

But don't worry! If you've seen Rahxephon, which is totally not a fictional show, he'll just remake the universe at the end of the Mayan calender.

That's all this time, folks! Join us again for another uplifting and positive life lesson! Brought to you today by Nike, primarily because they make bad shoes and we desperately need the funding.

[Stanley]

And now for something completely different. If everyone took the places of the Org XIII members.

Ryo[Xemnas]: Okay everyone, Nick[Saix] has prepared a power point presentation on our progress, let's listen in.

Nick: I'd like to begin with the pie chart...

Kara[Demyx]: Huh, Nick, sorry but, um, you got something, kinda, on your face .

Nick: What is it?

Kara: Yeah it sort of um... *gestures an x type shape on her own face*

Nick: It's a birth mark, and I've had it all along, what's wrong with all of you?

Ryan[Axel]: I'm thirsty, fill my glass would you Kara?

Kara: *points to Ryan's' empty glass* "Fill water fill!"

Ryan: Thanks buddy, Nick continue...

[Ryo]

Nick: "So as I was saying... I'd like to begin with this pie chart of our oatmeal."

SM[Roxas]: "We're getting pie!?"

Syphon[Marluxia]: "Uh... No. It's more like math class."

SM: "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nick: "Anyway... Two thirds of the oatmeal are often lumpy, yet the other third is always too runny. I propose we fire the chef."

JC[Lexaeus]: "Awesome! Then we can hire an expensive new one on the company payroll!"

Ryo: "...I don't employ a chef."

AJ[Xigbar]: -Busy scarfing oatmeal straight out of the box.- "I don't see what you guys are complaining about. This stuff is okay."

Ryan: "B-But it's not even cooked."

...

[Stanley]

Ryo: Now on to the topic of our latest mission concerning Castle Oblivion. A couple rooms were found with large scorch marks in them, and our enemies were confirmed to be several floors away at the time.

*Everyone glares at Ryan*

Ryan: Stan did it.

AJ: By the way....where IS Stan?

[Ryo]

Ryo: "Unimportant. Next order of business. Ryan is getting left behind when we venture to Chuckie Cheese's for recreation. All in favor?"

Ryan: "H-Hey!"

Nick: "But I'm not allowed in there. I go berserk, as I'm sure you've all heard."

Ryo: "I'll pull some strings. Or would you rather go to the water park again."

Kara: "Oh! That sounds fun!"

Everybody: "No!"

Ryan: "But guys! We had a waterfall!"

Ryo: "...Which went out of control and terrorized how many people?"

Ryan: "...Twelve."

Ryo: "Twelve hundred."

Ryan: -Frown-

Nick: "So... Chuckie Cheese then?"

Stan: "Oh! Oh! I want to ride the rat!"

Kara: "No fair! I want to play with the rat first!"

Ryo: -Head Desk-

[Stanley]

Later, at the Hall of Doom....

Ryo: "My friends, I have called this meeting to discuss the creation of our own group symbol. We have a few... yes, Nadia[Vexen]?"

Nadia: "I believe the proper scientific term is 'insignia', boss."

Ryo: "... Secretary, please leave me a reminder to kill Nadia."

Sheena[Larxene]: "Yes sir." *runs off in a blur* *returns* "Done, sir."

Ryo: "Now, as I was saying... Kara says she has an idea for us. Go ahead."

Kara: "DANCE, WATER, DANCE!"

Ryo: "Okay, now that that's out of the way, do we have any other suggestions?"

JC: "Well, considering that we're technically nothing, couldn't we just use a blank sheet of paper?"

Ryo: "We would, were it not for the current monopoly that Microsoft has on blank sheets of paper."

Takeshi[Zexion]: "We could turn Bill Gates into a heartless."

JC: "And we could hire his nobody as a janitor."

Ryo: "But I hear he lives behind a strong defensive shield called a firewall that we would need to get through. Isn't that your department, Ryan?"

Ryan: "Hey, don't look at me... I start fires."

Nadia: "What about me?"

Ryan: "Fire melts ice, stupid."

Takeshi: "Can't the keyblade unlock any barrier?"

Ryo: "That is true... Stan?"

Stan: "Yo."

Ryo: "I need you to steal some more sea salt ice cream from town."

Takeshi: "What does THAT have to do with what I said?"

Ryo: "Nothing, really... but I'm hungry. By the way, AJ, how did that audition go for the Metal Gear Solid 5 lead go?"

AJ: "Some crock named Snake got the part. I'm planning on turning him into a heartless sometime this week. Hey, are we still on for our Episode Of Bardock premiere party tomorrow night?"

Sheena: "I picked up the DVD today, and Ryan is grilling up the hot dogs. We still need chips and salsa, though."

Ryo: "Okay... Jet[Xaldin], pop over to Hallow Bastion and get some of those, would you?"

Jet: "What if somebody asks if I'm a Nobody?"

Ryo: "Just tell them you're a member of an 80s hair band; they always get discounts anyway."

JC: "But Nadia broke the DVD player trying to turn it into a robot."

Ryo: "... Secretary, please leave me a reminder to kill Nadia."

Sheena: "But I just did that a few minutes ago, sir."

Ryo: "Then leave me ANOTHER reminder to kill Nadia."

Sheena: "..."

[Ryo]

Ryo: "And it better not be on blank stationary! @#!%ing Bill Gates..."

[tranceangel100]

Nick: I've gotz something to show you boss, here is Bill Gates head wrapped in legal sized blank paper.

[Ryo]

Ryo: "Impressive, but how did you bypass the firewall?"

Nick: -Actively burning- "There was a fire what?"

Ryan: "I didn't start that one. Stan did."

Stan: "I was off getting Ice Cream."

Ryan: "Which means you put forward that much more effort!"

Ryo: "...Right. It's getting hard to see now. Somebody put him out."

Kara: "Dance water dance!"

Syphon: -Rifling through the Ice Cream- "No snow cones!? Even less reason to live!"

Nadia: "Hey guys! I painted the Chuckie Cheese's Hall of Doom rainbow colored!"

Ryo: "Sheena."

Sheena: "Right. Right. Memo this, memo that..."

Jet: "I have returned with chips! And I've come for my throne!"

Ryo: "...Second to the left seat."

Jet: "Good enough."

SM: "I got a rock..."

JC: "Are... Are you alright?"

SM: "Such a pretty rock..."

JC: -Scoots away-

SM: "And it's so shiny..."

Ryo: "That's not a real diamond."

SM: "ROCK."

Ryo: "...Right. Ryan, make the announcement."

Ryan: "Stick crazy with the check! Break for the door!"

Everybody: "YAAAHHH!" -Dashes out-

SM: "It's just you and me, Rocky."

Rocky: "..."

SM: "Why won't you talk to me!?"